You’re Arguing All Wrong
How the Gottman-Rapoport procedure transforms conflict into connection.
Effective communication is at the heart of every thriving relationship. Yet, so often, even with the best intentions, couples find themselves locked in misunderstandings, defensiveness, and frustration. If you've ever felt like your partner just doesn't hear you—or that you're talking past each other instead of connecting—you're not alone. That’s where the Gottman-Rapoport procedure comes in.
Dr. John Gottman, inspired by Anatol Rapoport's principles of international conflict resolution, created a powerful tool that not only provides the structure to resolve disagreements but also creates understanding, empathy, and trust. Whether you’re tackling big issues or small frustrations, the Gottman-Rapoport procedure can guide you and your partner toward deeper, more meaningful conversations.
What Is the Gottman-Rapoport Procedure?
At its core, the Gottman-Rapoport procedure is a structured communication technique designed to help couples navigate conflict with clarity and compassion. Unlike typical arguments, where the focus is often on winning or being “right,” the Gottman-Rapoport procedure prioritizes understanding your partner's perspective.
Here’s how it works. The general rule is that neither partner can engage in persuasion until both can state their partner’s position to the other’s satisfaction. Just follow the steps.
One partner speaks while the other listens. The speaker’s goal is to use “I” statements to describe their feelings about a specific situation and express a positive need, while refraining from “you” statements, criticism, and contempt. The listener’s goal isn’t to defend, argue, or interject—it’s to postpone their own agenda and listen carefully in order to understand the speaker’s experience.
The listener summarizes what they’ve heard. They might say, “What I hear you saying is…” and repeat the content and perspective of the speaker’s message (the story) in their own words.
The listener validates their partner’s perspective. This doesn’t mean the listener agrees; it just means that they understand how their partner came to think and feel that way. They can communicate understanding and empathy by completing a sentence like “it makes sense to me that you would feel that way and have these needs because…”
The speaker confirms the summary. If the listener misunderstood or missed something, the speaker clarifies, and the listener continues to summarize and validate until the speaker feels understood. Then, and only then:
The roles are reversed. Now, the listener becomes the speaker, and the process is repeated.
This back-and-forth isn’t just an exercise in good manners—it’s a way to foster mutual understanding, especially during tough conversations. One of Anatol Rapoport’s central ideas is the importance of understanding others’ perspectives before trying to persuade them.
How Does It Work in Real Life?
Let’s say a couple is arguing about how to spend the holidays. Alex wants to visit his family, but Jordan feels it’s more important to stay home and relax.
Without the Gottman-Rapoport procedure, this discussion might spiral into a heated argument, ending in a stalemate:
Alex: “You never care about my family!”
Jordan: “That’s not true—you’re just trying to guilt me!”
But with the Gottman-Rapoport procedure, the conversation takes a different tone:
Alex (speaker): “I feel sad that I don’t spend enough time with my family during the holidays, and it’s really important to me that we make an effort this year.”
Jordan (listener): “What I hear you saying is that you feel distant from your family, maybe even a little homesick, and it’s important to you that we visit them this holiday season. Is that right?”
Alex (speaker): “Yes, exactly.”
Jordan (listener): “I can totally see why you would want to visit your family right now. It makes sense.”
Alex (speaker): Thank you for understanding.”
Then they switch roles, allowing Jordan to express her feelings and be heard just as clearly:
Jordan (speaker): “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and the thought of traveling during the holidays feels like too much for me to handle right now. I just want a chance to recharge instead of getting more stressed.”
Alex (listener): “So what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling overwhelmed, and the thought of traveling is daunting because it would add to your stress instead of giving you the break you need. Did I get that right?”
Jordan (speaker): “You did.”
Alex (listener): “I feel you on that. I know when I’m stressed out, I just want to have a rest. I totally get it.”
Jordan (speaker): “Thank you for getting that. It means a lot to me.”
Notice how there is no attempt yet to craft a solution, nor is there any sense of a debate about what’s true or reasonable. The only goal is mutual understanding.
The Gottman-Rapoport procedure diffuses defensiveness and creates a safe space for both partners to express their needs. From here, Alex and Jordan can move toward a compromise that honors both of their core needs while exploring overlapping areas of flexibility. I’ll cover that procedure, called The Art of Compromise, next week.
Why Does the Gottman-Rapoport Procedure Work?
The magic lies in its simplicity. By slowing down and focusing on understanding, couples can break out of negative cycles and approach disagreements with curiosity rather than conflict. Here’s why it’s so effective:
It validates emotions. When our partner listens to us without judgment and empathizes with our feelings, we feel understood.
It reduces defensiveness. Summarizing what our partner says forces us to focus on their story, not our own counterarguments.
It promotes empathy. Understanding our partner’s feelings doesn’t mean we have to agree with their take, but it helps us see things from their perspective.
Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
As straightforward as the Gottman-Rapoport procedure may seem, it can be tricky to master at first. Here are a few common hurdles and tips to navigate them:
Difficulty staying neutral: It’s easy to slip into rebuttal mode when you’re listening. Remind yourself that your goal is understanding, not persuasion.
Impatience or frustration: If you’re eager to jump to your point, practice deep breathing or mindfulness techniques to stay present.
Misinterpretation: If you get something wrong while summarizing, don’t panic! Simply ask for clarification and try again.
Remember, this is a skill that takes practice. The more you use it, the more natural it will feel.
How to Get Started
Ready to give the Gottman-Rapoport Procedure a try? Start small. Pick a low-stakes topic—maybe how to spend your weekend—and practice the steps together. Use prompts like:
“What I hear you saying is…”
“It sounds like you feel…”
“Did I get that right?”
For more challenging discussions, you can use this protocol, which includes the full set of instructions.
Try It Today!
Transforming the way you communicate with your partner doesn’t have to be overwhelming. With the Gottman-Rapoport Procedure, you have a simple, research-based tool to help you connect, even when emotions are high.
Give it a try and see how productive conflict can replace arguments in your relationship. Your next meaningful conversation is just a few steps away.
Please drop questions in the comments, or stop back by after you’ve tried it and let me know how it went!
I would think that one of the most common problems is that at least one person insists on continuing to use “you” statements, blaming and criticizing the other person. How do you deal with a situation where the couple has been taught this method, and one person insists that in order to communicate how they feel and their experience that they have to blame and criticize their partner?