Four Marriage Killers

How to Identify and Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Imagine a couple trying to resolve a simple disagreement about household chores. What begins as a straightforward conversation quickly spirals into a heated exchange—one partner criticizes sharply, the other becomes defensive, and before long, they’re not even discussing the original issue. Instead of solving the problem, they become entrenched in a battle of words, where every sentence drives them further apart.

This is the destructive power of what the Gottman Method calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: toxic behaviors that can transform even the smallest issues into relationship landmines, derailing communication and sowing seeds of resentment. Research spanning decades and thousands of couples has shown that these behaviors are among the most damaging communication patterns, and they can sink a marriage.

The Four Horsemen are not minor issues; they are toxic patterns of interaction that, if left unaddressed, can erode the very foundation of a marriage. Gottman’s research has demonstrated that these behaviors often creep into everyday conversations and disagreements subtly at first. However, their effects are cumulative, slowly but surely undermining the trust, respect, and love that are essential for a healthy, lasting relationship.

What makes the Four Horsemen particularly insidious is that they often go unnoticed until significant damage has already been done—until partners no longer feel heard, valued, or connected.

The impact of the Four Horsemen extends beyond the individuals in the marriage. When a relationship becomes toxic, it can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including mental and physical health, job performance, and social relationships. For couples with children, the consequences can be even more profound, as children may also suffer from the effects of a troubled marriage, potentially carrying emotional burdens into their own adult relationships.

While the Four Horsemen may seem overwhelming, research offers hope. By recognizing these toxic behaviors and taking proactive steps to address them, couples can reverse the downward spiral and rebuild a strong, healthy relationship.

This post is a deep dive into the Four Horsemen, exploring how they manifest in relationships and, more importantly, how they can be neutralized. By understanding these dynamics, couples can learn to protect their relationship from toxic patterns, paving the way for a more fulfilling and lasting partnership.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Their Antidotes

Horseman #1: Criticism

Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific complaint. It targets who our partner is as a person rather than their behavior. This feels like a personal attack, fosters resentment, and triggers defensiveness, making it difficult to resolve conflicts constructively.

Whether or not it’s intentional, criticism takes feelings about a situation and directs them at our partner. The focus shifts from the issue at hand to our partner’s perceived flaws.

Examples of Criticism:

• “You never help out around here.”

• “You’re always taking his side.”

• “Why can’t you be more considerate?”

It’s easy to see how these statements stem from underlying frustrations—feeling overwhelmed with housework, unsupported in a conflict, or neglected. However, these feelings go unspoken and instead fuel personal attacks. The problem becomes “you” rather than the issue itself: you’re unhelpful, unsupportive, inconsiderate.

Complaint vs. Criticism

Here’s why a complaint is effective and criticism is not. While a legitimate grievance (the complaint) may drive the frustration, painting our partner as inherently flawed is unproductive. For one thing, it creates a logical conundrum—if they are fundamentally defective, how can they change? It also pushes them into a defensive posture, making it far less likely that they will be able to hear and address our concerns.

Indicators of Criticism:
Use these guidelines to notice when you or your partner is engaging in criticism:

• Exaggerating:
  Frustration often leads to exaggeration with words like “always,” “never,” or “constantly.” For example, “You’re so lazy—you never do the dishes.” While it may feel true in the moment, exaggeration frames the issue as a permanent flaw, making your partner feel insulted and defensive.

• Interrogating:
  Questions like, “Why didn’t you do the dishes today?” may sound innocent but often imply criticism when emotion is high. Your tone may say, “What’s wrong with you for not doing the dishes?” Even if they answer truthfully, their response probably won’t satisfy you because your real concern is that the dishes weren’t done, not the reason.

• Teasing:
  Lighthearted teasing about things you wish were different can feel harmless or playful, but it often masks our complaint. These passive-aggressive jokes may make your partner feel criticized and embarrassed, especially if made in front of others.

• “Shoulding”:
  Statements like, “You should have known I’d want the dishes done” or “You shouldn’t load the dishwasher that way” can imply judgment. Just as “should” statements directed at yourself can evoke guilt or shame, directing them at your partner can make them feel judged or inadequate.

• Correcting:
  Insisting there’s a “right” way to do something—like loading the dishwasher—and “fixing” your partner’s approach can communicate non-verbal criticism. Though well-intentioned, it sends the message that your partner’s way is wrong or insufficient.

Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

Criticism often stems from a desire to express feelings without vulnerability. However, when we avoid vulnerability, we blame our feelings on our partner, mistaking inner problems (our emotions) for external ones (their behavior). This confusion leads to criticism, acting out our emotions instead of communicating them.

Outer vs. Inner Problems

To counter criticism, it’s essential to distinguish between outer and inner problems:

• Outer Problems: Tangible issues, like dishes left undone. These exist in the external world and are things our partner can address.

• Inner Problems: Emotional reactions, like frustration, disappointment, or resentment. These exist in our mind and are our responsibility to manage.

While outer problems can trigger inner feelings, different people may react differently to the same situation. For instance, what frustrates you might not bother someone else at all. Recognizing this distinction allows you to address your feelings constructively without assigning blame.

The True Antidote:
Managing our own feelings and communicating them without blame. Describe the situation neutrally, express our feelings honestly, and clearly state what you need. This makes it easier for our partner to understand and empathize with us.

Gentle Start-Up Formula

A gentle start-up can help you express your feelings productively. Use this three-part formula:

1. “I feel…” (state your emotion)

2. “About…” (describe the situation neutrally)

3. “I need…” (say what you need)

Examples of Gentle Start-Up Statements About Dishes:

• “I feel overwhelmed when I see a sink full of dishes at the end of the night. I need a schedule so I know who’s responsible for which night.”

• “I feel angry when you say you’ll do the dishes but don’t get to them. I need them done within a certain time frame. Let’s talk about expectations.”

• “I feel exhausted after two hours of childcare and housework at the end of my workday. I need you to take over the dishes so I can have a break.”

Gentle Start-Up as a First Step

Gentle start-up is often the beginning of a deeper conversation. Once we communicate our feelings, perspective, and needs in a way our partner can hear and understand, it’s their turn to do the same. Resolving the issue may require compromise, as our partner might not always be able to fully meet our needs.

For more, see my previous posts on compromise and unsolvable problems.

Horseman #2: Contempt

Contempt is considered the most damaging of the four behaviors. It typically arises when we are emotionally flooded and manifests as sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or hostile humor. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disrespect, aimed at insulting our partner into our way of thinking.

Examples of contempt include:

• “It’s like I’m talking to a teenager.”

• “How could you be so naive?”

• “You’re an idiot.”

It’s easy to see how someone might resort to this type of behavior. Perhaps we’re frustrated because our partner isn’t listening, doesn’t understand our perspective, or dismisses our concerns. In moments of anger, describing our partner the way they appear to us—flawed or foolish—can feel like the only option. But contempt carries a devastating message: “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.”

Contempt is Relationship Poison

Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen and among communication behaviors it’s the single best predictor of divorce. It makes our partner feel worthless and despised, eroding the mutual respect essential to a healthy relationship. Research also shows that couples with high levels of contempt are more prone to health issues, such as infectious diseases, likely associated with the stress this behavior creates.

When contempt takes hold in a relationship, it becomes harder to see our partner’s good qualities. Instead, their faults become magnified during conflicts. Worse still, contempt tends to linger even outside of arguments, leading to negative sentiment override—when unresolved resentments from past interactions create a negative filter that colors all current communication.

This erosion of mutual admiration and respect makes it nearly impossible to build intimacy and connection. Contempt ultimately poisons the friendship and admiration system of a relationship, which is why it’s the strongest predictor of divorce.

What Does Contempt Look Like?

Consider the case of Ramya and Rohit, who came to me in a last-ditch effort to save their six-year marriage. Rohit had felt dismissed and shamed by Ramya since the birth of their first child. While he initially overlooked it, believing it was linked to her post-partum depression, the behavior continued even as her mental health improved. Over time, Rohit began to feel increasingly disconnected.

Here’s a snippet of a conversation they had during one of our early sessions.¹

Rohit: “Why do you speak to me this way? I feel terrible when you say things like that. You make me sound like a fool, and I’m not a fool.”
Ramya: “I’m just telling you how I feel. These are the facts.”
Rohit: “I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make, or why you’re making it in this way. I feel like you hate me.”
Ramya: “I’m constantly disappointed by things you say and do. Your behavior doesn’t make sense to me. You act like a child.”

At this point in their relationship, Rohit had stopped showing affection toward Ramya and had lost interest in intimacy altogether. Although Ramya often complained about this, she ignored his concerns about the consistently hurtful tone of her communication. Her contempt had taken over their relationship.

Antidote to Contempt: Fondness and Admiration

The good news is that while contempt is damaging, it’s not irreversible. Research shows that reducing contempt significantly improves the chances of saving a relationship.

The antidote to contempt is building a culture of fondness and admiration by regularly expressing appreciation and respect for our partner. For many couples, this can feel difficult at first, especially if negative patterns have taken root. However, it’s often a matter of shifting focus from faults to strengths.

Changing Your Perspective

To counter contempt, start by reminding yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. Here are a few strategies:

1. Reflect on the Early Days: Think about how you felt when you first met your partner. What qualities drew you to them? Those traits are likely still there, even if they’ve been overshadowed by current frustrations.

2. Consider Other Perspectives: Imagine how others—like your partner’s friends, family, or children—see them. These perspectives can help you recognize their positive attributes more objectively.

3. Acknowledge the Good: Actively look for things your partner does right, no matter how small. It could be as simple as making coffee or taking care of an errand.

How to Generate Fondness

When a relationship is struggling, it’s often more effective to focus on positive memories from the past than on current challenges. Many couples rediscover affection during conversations about how they first met, their early impressions of one another, and the reasons they fell in love.

To foster fondness and admiration, try these exercises:

• Gratitude Lists: Write down three qualities you admire about your partner and share specific moments that highlight those traits. For example, “I admire how thoughtful you are—I noticed it last week when you brought me tea without me asking.”

• Small Acts of Appreciation: Thank your partner for everyday contributions or leave them a kind note. These small, consistent efforts build a culture of positivity.

The Gottman Method encourages partners to look at each other through “rose-colored glasses.” Instead of focusing on catching our partner doing something wrong, we can make a conscious effort to catch them doing something right—and let them know we appreciate it.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness typically arises in response to criticism. When we’re criticized, it’s easy to feel attacked and vulnerable. Defensiveness often feels like a logical reaction, as it involves protecting ourselves in various ways—such as denying there’s a problem, playing the victim, or redirecting blame. Unfortunately, these responses typically escalate conflict rather than resolve it.

For example, if our partner says, “You forgot to buy groceries again,” a defensive response might be, “Why is this my fault? Why don’t you go to the store?” This shifts the blame to our partner and derails the conversation, preventing constructive dialogue.

While defensiveness can be a natural response to feeling criticized, it can also present as a maladaptive communication style in which a person avoids taking any responsibility for problems in the relationship. This can easily shut down meaningful communication. It sends a message to the partner that their concerns don’t matter, which erodes trust and connection over time. When defensiveness becomes a default reaction, it may even come across as self-centered, dismissive, or narcissistic, making resolution more difficult.

How to Recognize Defensiveness

Defensiveness can take many forms. Here are some common examples of defensive responses:

• Counterattacking: “You always leave your stuff lying around, so why should I care about the dishes?”

• Playing the Victim: “I have so much on my plate already, and now you’re blaming me for this too?”

• Denial: “That’s not true; I did the dishes last week!”

• Making Excuses: “I was going to do them, but I had a really busy day at work.”

• Deflecting the Issue: “Why are you making such a big deal out of the dishes? There are more important things to worry about.”

• Ignoring the Issue: “Whatever, let’s just order takeout.”

• Minimizing the Issue: “It’s just a few dishes; it’s not the end of the world.”

• Blaming External Factors: “The sink is too small; it’s hard to wash dishes in there.”

What all these responses have in common is avoidance of the issue. Instead of addressing our partner’s concern, we redirect, diminish, or dismiss it, potentially escalating the conflict.

Antidote to Defensiveness: Taking Responsibility

The primary antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for our part of the issue. Even acknowledging a small piece of the problem can de-escalate tension and foster constructive dialogue.

Example:

• Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight, as you promised this morning?”

• Defensive Response: “I was just too busy today. You know how hectic my schedule is! Why didn’t you just do it?”

• Responsible Response: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to handle it because I knew my day would be too busy. Let me call them right now.”

By taking responsibility, we validate our partner’s feelings and prevent the conflict from escalating. This small but powerful shift demonstrates empathy and a willingness to resolve the issue collaboratively.

Ways to Practice Taking Responsibility and Reducing Defensiveness

1. Letting Go of Being Right

Letting go of the need to “win” doesn’t mean we’re admitting fault for everything. It means we’re prioritizing our relationship over being correct. Recognizing that our partner’s feelings and perspective are valid—regardless of whether we agree—creates space for mutual understanding.

The Gottman Method refers to this as “yielding to win.” By relaxing our stance and truly listening, we foster connection and emotional safety, which ultimately makes both partners happier.

2. Self-Soothing

Defensiveness often arises when we feel emotionally overwhelmed or “flooded.” Self-soothing involves calming ourselves down during these moments to avoid reacting impulsively. Techniques include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or even stepping away briefly to collect our thoughts.

Taking a short break (about 20–30 minutes) can prevent escalation and allow us to re-enter the conversation with a clearer mind.

3. Non-Defensive Listening

Non-defensive listening means focusing fully on our partner’s words without interrupting, rebutting, or preparing a counterargument. Paraphrase what they’ve said to confirm understanding, and ask clarifying questions if needed. For example:

• Partner: “I feel like I’m the only one doing housework.”

• Non-Defensive Response: “You’re feeling like I’m not contributing enough to housework. Can you tell me more?”

This approach shows empathy and a willingness to engage, which can diffuse tension and open the door to collaboration.

4. Emotional Attunement

Emotional attunement involves validating our partner’s feelings and responding with empathy rather than defensiveness. For example, instead of arguing with a criticism, we might say, “I hear that you’re frustrated, and I want to understand why. Let’s talk about how I can help.”

Repair Attempts: Turning Conflict Around

Repair attempts are small gestures or statements aimed at de-escalating tension. Examples include:

• Humor: “Okay, I admit I’m terrible at remembering the groceries. Let’s write a list together.”

• Affection: Offering a hug or touch during a tough conversation.

• Clarification: “I didn’t mean to come off as dismissive. Can we try that again?”

Even simple statements like, “I agree with part of what you’re saying,” can prevent arguments from spiraling out of control. Successful repair attempts reinforce a culture of respect and understanding. You can read in more depth about repair attempts here.

Taking Breaks as a Strategy

Taking breaks during a conflict is an essential skill that helps prevent escalation and allows both partners to return to the discussion more calmly.

Steps for an Effective Break:

1. Recognize the Signs: Notice when you’re becoming flooded (e.g., racing heart, tense muscles, difficulty focusing).

2. Signal the Break Respectfully: Say, “I need a moment to calm down so I can focus better. Can we pause and come back in 20 minutes?”

3. Engage in Calming Activities: Use the break to do something relaxing, such as deep breathing, listening to music, or taking a walk. Avoid ruminating on the conflict or you won’t be able to calm down.

4. Return to the Conversation: Once you’ve both had time to reset, re-engage with a calmer mindset. Start with a gentle, constructive approach.

Defensiveness may feel instinctive, but practicing these strategies can transform conflict into opportunities for connection. Over time, taking responsibility, listening non-defensively, and using repair attempts can help us build a healthier, more constructive dynamic.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner disengages from an interaction, either physically, emotionally, or both. This withdrawal often happens during a conflict when one partner mentally “checks out” or shuts down, making it difficult to continue the conversation effectively.

Although we might think stonewalling is an expression of stubbornness or defiance, it’s usually a response to feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded—a state where stress levels are so high that thinking clearly or responding calmly becomes nearly impossible. It’s not an intentional choice to harm the relationship but rather a defensive reaction to emotional overload.

Examples of Stonewalling

• Physical withdrawal: Leaving the room mid-conversation, avoiding eye contact, or turning away from your partner.

• Non-engagement: Giving short, dismissive answers like “I don’t know” or “whatever,” or refusing to respond altogether.

• Body language: Crossing arms, looking at the ground, or maintaining a distant, frozen expression.

• Distraction: Focusing on something else, such as scrolling on your phone or watching TV, to avoid the conversation.

While stonewalling might feel like a beneficial escape from conflict in the moment, it can have long-term negative consequences. The partner being stonewalled often feels dismissed or invalidated, while the partner doing the stonewalling may experience guilt or frustration. Over time, repeated stonewalling can create a maladaptive dynamic of avoidance, resentment, and emotional disconnection.

How to Take a Break from a Conflict

Taking a break during an argument isn’t about avoiding the issue—it’s a strategy to prevent escalation and allow both partners the space to regain composure. A well-executed break can interrupt the cycle of stonewalling and lead to more productive conversations.

Recognizing the Need for a Break

The first step is to identify when a break is necessary. Look out for these signs of physiological flooding, which often accompany stonewalling:

• Rapid heartbeat or physical tension.

• Difficulty focusing on what your partner is saying or inability to form coherent thoughts.

• Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, stuck, or overly defensive.

Acknowledging these signs is not a failure—it’s an act of emotional awareness and a step toward maintaining the health of the relationship.

How to Signal a Break Without Escalating the Conflict

Requesting a break during a heated argument can be tricky, as it may seem like further withdrawal. To avoid misunderstandings:

• Discuss the concept ahead of time: Agree as a couple on how to handle breaks before you’re in the middle of a conflict. Establishing a shared understanding makes it easier to implement this strategy when needed.

• Use a clear and respectful signal: Develop a phrase or gesture that indicates the need for a pause, such as, “I need a few minutes to calm down so I can listen better.”

• Reassure your partner: Make it clear that the conversation will continue after the break. For example, say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we come back to this in 30 minutes so I can be fully present?”

• Set a time limit: Agree on a specific timeframe, such as 30 minutes, to ensure accountability and reduce the fear of abandonment.

What to Do During the Break

A break is effective only if it helps both partners regulate their emotions. Simply walking away without a plan can lead to ruminating about the argument, which keeps stress levels high. Instead, focus on activities that help reset your emotional state:

• Relax your body: Practice deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or gentle yoga to calm your physiological stress response.

• Engage your mind: Listen to soothing music, watch something lighthearted, or read a book to divert your focus from the conflict.

• Get moving: Go for a walk, stretch, or engage in light exercise to release built-up tension.

• Practice mindfulness: Use techniques like guided meditation or grounding exercises to stay present and interrupt negative thought spirals.

What to Avoid During the Break

• Ruminating on the conflict: Dwelling on the argument or mentally preparing counterarguments will prevent emotional recovery.

• Engaging in distracting but unhelpful activities: Scrolling through social media or working on unrelated tasks might provide temporary distraction but won’t address the underlying stress.

How to Return to the Conversation

Once the agreed-upon break is over, it’s time to re-engage constructively. To set the stage for a healthier interaction:

1. Assess your emotional state: Before resuming, check in with yourself. Are you calm enough to listen and respond constructively? If not, communicate that you need a bit more time.

2. Choose a distraction-free environment: Find a quiet, private space where you can focus fully on each other.

3. Start with a gentle approach: Use a “softened startup” by framing your concerns with “I” statements, such as, “I felt hurt when…” instead of accusatory “you” statements.

4. Take responsibility: Acknowledge your role in the conflict where appropriate. This builds trust and reduces defensiveness.

5. Focus on solutions: Work together to address the issue rather than trying to “win” the argument.

Why Breaks Matter

Taking deliberate breaks during conflict allows both partners to calm down, reflect, and communicate more effectively. Over time, this practice can improve emotional regulation, build trust, and reduce the frequency and intensity of stonewalling in the relationship. By recognizing the importance of self-soothing and intentional re-engagement, couples can create a healthier, more supportive dynamic that fosters connection and resilience.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship by Applying the Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

Understanding and addressing the Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—offers couples a roadmap to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. These behaviors, though toxic, are not irreversible. By identifying and replacing them with their antidotes—gentle start-ups, fondness and admiration, taking responsibility, and self-soothing—couples can break destructive patterns, enhance communication, and strengthen their emotional bond.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, but small, consistent efforts can create profound shifts in how you and your partner relate to one another. Each time we choose empathy over blame, appreciation over contempt, or responsibility over deflection, we’re taking a step toward a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Remember, it’s not about striving for perfection but about creating an environment of mutual respect, trust, and understanding. Relationships thrive when both partners commit to growing together, even through challenges.

If you’ve found this blog helpful, I encourage you to share it with friends, family, or anyone who might benefit from these insights. Building healthier relationships is a journey best undertaken together, and your support could be the spark that helps someone else improve their own partnership.

I’d also love to hear from you! Have you encountered any of the Four Horsemen in your relationship? How have you worked to overcome them? Share your experiences, tips, or questions in the comments below.

¹ I use real case examples to illustrate these principles. Although I always change identifying information to protect clients’ anonymity, these are the actual situations and the words they used, to the best of my recollection.