Fight Smarter
The power of a gentle start-up
It’s inevitable: all couples have conflict. Any two people are going to see things differently at times, value things differently, or want different things. Therefore, our relationship goal can’t be to avoid conflict. What we want is to have conflicts that are maximally productive and minimally distressing.
How to Have Calm Productive Conflicts
The concept of gentle start-up, rooted in Gottman Method research, offers a simple yet powerful strategy to improve communication, de-escalate tension, and strengthen our relationship. To have calm and productive conflicts, how we bring up an issue is just as important as what we’re discussing.
Why is this important? A six-year longitudinal study1 revealed that the first three minutes of a conflict discussion are critical. By observing couples’ interactions during this brief period, researchers could predict with surprising accuracy whether the couple would stay together or divorce.
The key difference? Couples who remained together started discussions with less negativity and more positivity. Those who began discussions with negative affect—such as criticism, defensiveness, or contempt—were more likely to divorce within six years.
The study confirmed an essential truth: conversations end on the same note they begin. Starting harshly leads to a harsh ending. Starting gently opens the door to understanding and resolution.
What Is a Gentle Start-Up?
A gentle start-up is a way of raising issues without blaming or attacking our partner. It’s like rapping softly on a door rather than knocking it down. The goal is to express our feelings and needs in a way that invites our partner to listen and respond rather than get defensive or shut down.
Imagine your boss at work needs to address a missed deadline. Which approach feels more constructive?
“Hey, I needed this done sooner. We agreed on a deadline for yesterday. Please get it to me as soon as you can.”
“Where are the reports you said you’d file? Could you, for once, get something done on time?”
The first example is a gentle start-up: it acknowledges the issue without attacking our character. The second example is a harsh start-up: it feels critical and may trigger defensiveness. The same principle applies in relationships. When we approach our partner gently, they are more likely to hear our concerns and work with us on a solution.
How to Use a Gentle Start-Up
Here are five proven strategies to soften your start-ups and make your conversations more productive:
1. Complain Without Blame
Express your concerns without assigning fault. Even if your partner is partly to blame, framing your issue as a simple complaint rather than an attack prevents defensiveness.
Instead of: “Why are you still on the couch? You said you’d clean the backyard today, but it’s still a mess.”
Try: “Hey, I see the yard hasn’t been cleaned yet, and it’s getting late. Can you make sure to take care of it today?”
This shift avoids criticism and focuses on the specific issue at hand. If necessary, you can restate yesterday’s agreement in more detail to make sure you are on the same page.
2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
Starting sentences with “I” helps you focus on your own perspective, feelings and needs rather than finding faults in your partner. It’s less likely to come across as critical.
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I’m not feeling heard right now.”
This approach keeps the conversation centered on your perspective and encourages your partner to attend rather than defend. If needed, you can continue to state your experience of not being heard until your partner is able to listen more attentively to your perspective.
3. Describe, Don’t Judge
Stick to the facts of the situation without evaluating your partner’s character. Describe what you see and how it makes you feel.
Instead of: “You’re so irresponsible with money.”
Try: “We’re a little tight on our money this month. I’m worried about how we’re spending.”
Descriptive language invites problem-solving, while judgmental statements push your partner away. Remember, this is not just an expression of feelings, it’s an opening statement of a deeper discussion about finances. The next statement could be something like “I’d like to discuss our spending in more detail.”
4. Be Polite and Appreciative
Even during conflict, maintaining politeness and respect can make a big difference. Simple phrases like “please” and “I appreciate it” remind your partner that you value them, even when you’re upset.
For example: “I’d really appreciate it if we could figure out a way to tackle this together.”
This keeps the emotional temperature low and reinforces the idea that you’re on the same team.
5. Don’t Store Things Up
Avoid letting small annoyances build until they explode into a laundry list of complaints. Address issues as they arise using gentle start-ups. This prevents resentment from accumulating and makes each conversation more focused and manageable.
What If a Gentle Start-Up Doesn’t Work?
Sometimes, even with our best efforts, our partner may respond defensively. In these moments, if we can stay calm and gently reaffirm our needs, the conflict won’t escalate into a fight.
Using the principle of repair, we can try something like:
“I’m not trying to criticize you. This is important to me, and I’d like to work together with you, so let me try to say it another way.”
Then, before we restate our position, we can check our language to make sure we’re not actually being critical. This kind of reassurance can help your partner feel safer and more open to constructive dialogue. Sometimes, however, our partner may react strongly no matter what we do. In that case, we might want to take it in stages so that our partner has time to reset. We can say:
“I can see this might be a difficult conversation. Why don’t I try again later.”
Why Gentle Start-Ups Matter
Using a gentle start-up isn’t just about avoiding fights – it’s about fostering deeper connection and understanding. When you approach your partner with respect and empathy, you create a safe space for both of you to express your needs and work as a team. It’s a small change that can have a big impact on the stability and happiness of your relationship.
Reflect and Practice
Think back to a recent conflict discussion with your partner. How did it start? How did it end? Could a gentle start-up have changed the outcome?
Here’s a challenge: In your next disagreement, try using one or more of these techniques. Notice how your partner responds and whether the conversation feels different. With practice, gentle start-ups can become your go-to approach.
Remember, every relationship has conflict. What matters most is how you handle them. By softening your start-ups, you’re not just fighting smarter, you’re building the foundation of a healthier, happier relationship.
1A six-year longitudinal study by Drs. Sybil Carrère and John Gottman examined 124 newlywed couples and found that the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion were critical in predicting marital outcomes. Couples who began discussions with negative affect—such as criticism, defensiveness, or contempt—were more likely to divorce within six years; whereas those who started conflicts with positive or neutral affect tended to maintain stable marriages.
Carrere, S., and Gottman, J.M., (1999). Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion, Family Process, Vol. 38(3), 293-301
So valuable. Thank you. I have been saving all of your posts! LOL
Address this: what happens when one of the members of the marriage has traversed into the territory of “insane”? This happens more often than we admit.